Yur Drunk

2008-09-22T10:45:00.001-04:00

SN - where ya been!

2008-08-22T18:27:00.001-04:00

i got very very drunk
twice in august.

it was quite ugly.
the reason why...and the drunk...
i don't suggest it.

2008-02-26T14:40:00.002-05:00

The picture of Lilo drunk is hawt and I can't believe she has been lumped in with passed out Santa below. In fact, I never understood those skin rags called Drunk Chicks that sold alongside of Penthouse and Hustler... at least not til Lilo. Sometime soon I'll come up with ten reason why DLILO (Drunk LIndsay LOhan) rocks my rocks but in the meantime, I think we can all have some refuge in the old saying "Don't hate the player, hate the game."

The trufth, dawg. The trufth.

five stars of drunkeness

2007-11-14T09:18:00.000-05:00

5 Levels of a Hangover

One Star Hangover (*)

No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 5 Cokes and still feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a steak &fries.

Two Star Hangover (**)

No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle House excursion. There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.

Three Star Hangover (***)

Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive.Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed watching Lucy reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke --- yet you haven't peed once.

Four Star Hangover (****)

Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face. For the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars. Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair hurts. Your sphincter is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five shits you take during the day brings water to the eyes of everyone who
enters the bathroom.

Five Star Hangover (*****)

You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva so your tongue is suffocating you. You don't have the foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in your bed this morning. Any attempt to defecate results in a fire hose like discharge of Alcohol-scented fluid with a rare 'floater' thrown in. The sole purpose of this 'floater' seems to be to splash the toilet water all over your ass. Death sounds pretty good about right now....

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Specificity
British Constitution Passive-aggressive disorder Loquacious
Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Thanks,
but I don't want to have sex. Nope, no more booze for me. Sorry, but
you're not really my type. Good evening officer isn't it lovely out
tonight. Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing. Sorry I'm
being such a jackass.

2007-10-21T01:55:00.001-04:00

i sat down adn the firs thing i noticed was he's staring at my titsi didnt htink my shirt was any more revealing than any other chicks at the bars, but whatver, mayhb e he doesnt get out much. he should look at myh tits , cuz hey, they be looking mighty fine.

hey, have some dinner, have some great conversation. have some overpriced mexican food. have a table for six. have a tequila menu that has 100 different kinds. have shots that cost more than the birth of your children and margaritas that make god smile upon you.
drink up me heartys yo
ehothen when conversation gets loose. and you say, she's hot AND She says no, youre hot, you take an honest look at th etable and go, which coulple would we like to fuck and its unaniumous. that cant be spelled correctly. b ut hey, its J and J for fuckin foursome action.toob ad they hav e twins.
but whatever, 200 doll hairs later i'm in bed with a sparkly clean vagina typing this shit and a snoring man next to me and no foursome hapening at all so its all dissapointment as far as the eye can see. too bad my life is not rockstar.anyway, i accomplushed so muhch shit todya you would be rpoud. holy fuck juesu god moses and thea postles.tomorrow will be more shit accomplushed if i have my way with it. glory bei taped two hitchocock thrillers today bbecause he rules.maybe i will watch tghem tomoorrrow, maybe i wont
f
. eithe rwihcik way, i must be drunk right now beciause i did three patron silver shbot s while everyon eelse with dick sdid only moargaraits. that means, only the girl s had shots and then the oboys had margaritas, but i also had maragaritas, so, whateve r that means, is what it means.if i was a child star, i would be the girl form different striokes becasue she was a crack hwore who shot herself in the face. not really. i have no idea, i m hust just saying hthat.damn it's hard to type when you are obviously driunker than you meant to beit's ten fifty one anbd i amgoin g to bed. shtuttup already.
posted

2007-05-29T11:08:00.000-04:00

Well, did everyone have a good memorial day weekend?

Friday night, the gang headed to ST-EX for "Jed's" birthday. I had some gnocchi, and the alaskin smoked salmon, two glasses of red wine. Later on, we went to Polly's on U Street. What a friggin hole in the wall... haha. That place is just for people who want to hook up in the bathroom :P

Saturday, we hit the Howard County General Hospital in Columbia, MD where Paige Elizabeth became my new niece. She was 7.1 pounds and 20 inches long. Afterwards, we went to a impromptu barbeque near Silver Spring.

We visited the hospital again on Sunday evening to make sure the baby and parents were well, also dropped off some photos and said hi to everyone else. BTW, Thats Amore restaurant in Columbia, MD... overrated, but at least the hostess and waitress were cute/underage.

And yestereve, we had a small little dinner with my mom and step-dad at a sleepy chinese restaurant on the outskirts of D.C.

Who -- I mean what -- did you do this Memorial Day Weekend?

Drunk on codeine

2007-05-02T13:57:00.000-04:00

WOO freakin' HOO! Yep, I've got strep throat and bronchitis so the good doc gave me some cough syrup with codeine and some other med for the pain of my strep throat - I'm flying high now! Does that count as being drunk? Cuz, it feels that way...

howz life for everyone? Look at the pretty bird flying around with me... sigh...

What is it about airport beer?

2007-04-18T22:05:00.000-04:00

Is it that you are spending twice as much to get it? It just tastes better. Is it that you are really in dire need of a beer when you are traveling? That is probably more the case. I'm sitting in the Dallas airport - just left the TGIFriday's on the B concourse - anyone know it? Lovely young man there serving me beer after beer. MMmmmmmhhhhhmmmm! Life is good. I've got another 2 + hours to get home to Huntsvegas... maybe I should go back for 1 more?

i'm browner than brown

2006-08-13T11:28:00.000-04:00

Today I purposefully sang in the grocery store in front of an old lady. At first I was singing to myself because as I turned the corner, nobody was there…or so I thought…and then I spied the old lady and she spied me.

And I stopped.

And then I said, I said to myself…WTF?

And I continued.

Complete with facial expressions…eyebrow inflections.

It’s true.

And I didn’t care.

But then, later on, in the beer/cheese/chips/eggs aisle, I guess I was talking to myself because my friends came up to me later and said that some guy came up to them and said,

“are you with that girl up there ?you better hurry up and get with her cuz she’s talking to herself.”

And I was like, he did not.

And they were like, yes he did.

And I thought to myself, was I talking to myself?

And I couldn’t really remember.

Even though it happened seconds before.

But I probably was.

That’s cool. I think people who talk to themselves are far more interesting than people who just talk and talk and talk to people and don’t say anything.

In fact, just this morning, I was asleep and dreaming of a blogger I’ve never met, but in my dream he materialized, in a form or fashion that my subconscious conjured up…which turned out to be most appealing.

He and I were somewhere and when he hugged me, it filled me up with heat and the closest thing to love, like a battery recharging with butterflies and joy. I was there to suck his dick, like it was an agreement of some sort. Not at all degrading and one sided, for I wanted his hot, fleshy love sausage inside my wet mouth. I truly wanted to suck his cock like it had the antidote and I was dying of some fatal poison.

But right before it was supposed to go down, he brought in another guy who apparently wanted me like the only size 8 Lucky jeans on the sale rack. The desire in his eyes was palpable and his eyes looked like crying. I immediately wanted to hold him in my lap and stroke his hair and tell him everything would be fine.

But instead, the blogger I was supposed to be dick swallowing, told me to swallow the new guy’s dick and of course I complied as he watched. New guy held my head and thrust his hips and I held him in my mouth with the strength of my suction and the strength of my tongue and cheeks. I wanted to finish him so I could get to the blogger dreamguy I was there to swallow.

I wanted to eat his dick so bad. It was like I had been waiting my entire life to do it.

But, as the misfortune of all dreams go, I woke up.

Before any cock sucking could go down.

Stupid dreams.

But at least I saw a skatepark.

And three ostriches.

And a little Mexican lady with both arms full and a huge watermelon on her head. Walking.

That made it all worthwhile.

Sorta.

And a bit of advice…when you get into a fight about Cloris Leachman, it’s probably really Jean Stapleton.

Shake n bake.

It's All One Hundred, Brilliant And Dead

2006-05-20T18:40:00.000-04:00

Tonight I had the opportunity to have a drunk, hot, horny, Spanish girl in my bed and I turned it down. Mostly because she was VERY drunk and I was VERY drunk and it would have been mostly passing out that we would have been sharing, but also because I miss you so goddamn much which is sick really because you don't want me at all and why should I not try to find happiness elsewhere?

And this other girl who is totally into me but has a boyfriend so is trying to hide it was telling me that I just need a good fuck to get over you and don't I know it and doesn't everybody know it and isn't it fucking obvious but still I pine for a world in which you love me and everything is perfect. It seems so simple.

And she kept asking me if I was taking the Spanish girl home and I said no and no and a thousand times I wonder what the hell I'm doing and I know you aren't worth a second of my time but I keep giving it to you.

Drunk Love Sub

2006-05-11T23:16:00.000-04:00

I am at the helm of my pimpin submarine. Funk music pumps after the morning joint and yoga session. Every surface is covered in plush leather, chrome fixtures, the finest engineering, I made a deal with bill gates to lend him my engineers to build his sub.

After a trip around the world the crew and I have decided that things aren't so bad in the USA. On our most recent visit to the middle east the women have a new acesserory, the stylish m-14a automatic assault rifle, " hay,bebe, nice piece" , Sure we rob and plunder with gold reaching twenty year highs of 725+ and the euro and pound gaining nearly a dime on the dollar. Who wouldn't try to get their hands on the yellow stuff. The federal reserve announced that they will no longer publish the amount of dollars in circulation.

This is HUGE financial news. In only seven months the price of gold has nearly doubled. The boat was sinking so we got a gold funk sub. With the dollar losing unprecedented ground everyday, the rich like me, get richer and the poor, we'll they definitely don't have a funk sub. The thing that makes me wonder is how the national media isn't making a big deal of this. It's probably one of the biggest, fastest pushes of inflation we've seen since the great depression. The funny thing is that nobody understands, probably 1 in twenty people I talk to about this subject are knowledgeable enough to even have an opinion. Most people look at me and agree and hope I'll move on or they make it known they don't GAF. On the funk sub only one currency rules, love babies, love.

2006-04-06T22:11:00.000-04:00

Murph I just wanted to publically thank you for the photo you sent me to cheer me up and yes I am drunk.

Wonce Again

2006-03-10T19:21:00.000-05:00

It's sickening that I still want you.

Holy peanuts, Batman!

2006-02-22T14:40:00.000-05:00

I need to get drunk.
The kind of drunk where I am no longer responsible for my actions.
The kind of drunk where someone has to get me home, undress me-except for my panties, because I will have already lost them, and put me to bed. And hey, they may as well go ahead and lose their panties in the process. I won't be gender specific at that stage of drunkenness. ;)

That is all.

2006-02-15T08:23:00.000-05:00

oh my gawd. where'd i leave the car?

Finally, A Good Drunken Rant From Martini.

2006-02-15T02:02:00.000-05:00

So I went out on my annual "I hate valentine's day" excursion tonight, you missed out on a good time. I lost count after about 7 drinks. Tomorrow, um, today will suck. I'm effing tired. And my tummy is bery angry because we ate our weight in white castle. NOT smart.

We went to a drag show at Axis. We laughed, we cried, we mourned the loss of all the hot men to the gay side. Besides, like Happy Bunny says ... boys lie and kind of stink.

I had waaaayyyy too many cosmo's.

*** hiccup ***

It Doesn't Get Any Better

2006-02-11T18:20:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow I'll deny it, but for tonight let's pretend this is the truth. I love you. Some people wait their whole lives to hear someone say that. If you don't want it then there's nothing I can do about that, but I feel that maybe I'm a better person than you because I can feel this way about you. Something pure, something like lightning striking in me because of this. I hope one day you feel this way about someone because no matter how much it hurts, it is the greatest thing I have.

2006-02-03T18:54:00.000-05:00

p.s I'm gonna get drunk tonight. unless things go wrong and i try to get drunk, but due to having a large meal beforehand, I fail. So, the solution I just discovered is to have a small meal beforehand.

Okay. So my original statement stands.

I'm gonna get drunk tonight

I Claim This Blog In The Name Of...

2006-01-13T16:41:00.000-05:00

After a long period of accidental sobriety I find that I am posting here with relative frequency.

Remember kids: it's not the taking part, it's the sense of futile despair.

Drunk Again

2006-01-01T18:59:00.000-05:00

My own level of drunkeness seems inversely proportional to the number of sexual encounters I have. Coincidence? Probably.

In other news, I hold you in the highest contempt. Myself I love. I admire my ability to type semi-coherently in a state of near total inebriation. Huzzah!

In future episodes I will spit in your face from the midst of a spontaneous orgy.

This blog should be banned. I suppose it stops me from drunk dialling. Which is good.

Terrifying Freak That Wont Shut The Fuck Up

2005-12-22T18:27:00.000-05:00

Do you ever wonder where all the psycho ex girlfriends and boyfriends come from?

Do you ever wonder if the people you meet who are complete assholes get up in the morning and decide to be assholes?

Do you ever wonder where drunk loudmouthed depressives come from who bitch and whine about their failed relatonships?

Do you ever think that you may have been one of these people at some point in your life? Like tonight? After only about three beers? There's having dignity and there's texting your ex-girlfriends trying to seduce them in your own filled with excess saliva way. There's being mature and there's begging for people to take you back.

Thankfully I'm not one of those people. Too often.

Good News

2005-11-28T22:02:00.000-05:00

In Portland, The cops are handing out bike lights to riders in lieu of giving them a ticket, Batteries included.

In Cincinnati Ohio, They are baking all food, no frying, and using all natural grains at a cost savings opposed to the traditional "lunch in a can" method. Sales are up and everyone is smiling.

The California grape harvest was big this year.

Teen pregnancy is down.

I am drunk & unemployed

that is all. :)

Two Yells for Wine in a Box

2005-11-24T21:34:00.000-05:00

I'm a cheap date, and I'm a cheap drunk. And considering it's rare that I'm actually home when I'm drunk, you will now be treated to the ramblings of the Coconut.

Hope you all had a great turkey day. I ate too much, drank too much, and fought too much. In other words, I'm Irish. Erin go braugh.

I think I'm required by law to say I'm thankful for something, so tonight I will be thankful for merlot and the inevitable blogging outlet of said merlot (that would be you kids). Even if the merlot did come from a box.

Apparently I'm not proud when I'm drunk. Who knew.

-K.

The Etiquette of Drunk Fucking

2005-11-07T04:41:00.000-05:00

So... I have a friend who says that she prefers to fuck sober because no sensation is lost, which is ironic because she's the most physically uncomfortable person I know. After myself. Personally, I like nothing better than the hilarious effects of trying to negotiate limbs across the kitchen table as it lurches uncontrollably from wall to wall. I know that this can be a moot point when it comes down to a guy establishing some kind of offensive, but as anyone worth sleeping with will tell you, you don't need a cock in bed to have a good time there. So many lesbians can't be wrong.

It's Saturday night and out of nowhere I get molested by a very drunk woman and nothing is stopping me from having a good time, which was suprising given that I can't count the fingers on my own hand.

Later, as we're lying in bed spooned up and I'm deep inside her, she says something weird. I keep going. Then I think: "did she make some kind of funny joke that I just don't get?" then: "is she so drunk she doesn't know what's going on?". Now I'm an asshole for sure but something about fucking a delerious alcoholic doesn't sit right with me. I know I have to make a decision, so I decide to stop, but just at that second, I feel everything in my body tighten just a little bit and I know I'm nearly finished.

Much to my on now sober shame, I kept going.

Really it would have taken several people to pull me away at that moment.

The following morning things took a turn for the worse. Over breakfast she looks into my eyes and utters the words I now believe I could have gone all my life without having to hear: "did you fuck me while I was asleep?"

some sort of three day weekend

2005-09-03T20:02:00.000-05:00

yeah, i'm drunk.
not a drunk to be proud about. a second beer on an empty stomach and i'm a girl..albeit not a petite one.

whatever, drunk is drunk.

that qualifies right?

should i be omitting typos
?

yes.

so, i just karaoked like a bitch. get a fuckin' kick ass home karaoke system which is exactly like in the bars and lame chinese restaraunts and you can killer queen or sweeet caroline like a muthafucka! id ont care that the entire family is olaughing at me...i am KARAOKE QUEEN!

MY actually only song i can do adequatly is all apologies by nirvana because i have a deep voice because my nuts dropped last night. call me steven.

i wann ajack off a stranger and have him bite my neck when he comes cums

more later...cuz i'm drunk.
or maybe not. i have no idea
i'm typing on am 11 uyear olds' comp[uter....rock on.

oh, before i forget, i drove through a major ass fire to get where i am at right now...like, sirens and cops and firetrucks blcoking off freeway fires at Gorman where there were fires and flames and smoke for days and we were detoured, butr we showe dthem because we did some facny schmancy manuevers and took a secret back road and then got past the blockade only to sit for another thrity minutes on the black top so we could walk out on the freeway to the median and take pictures of helicopter sr rdropping water bombs onto the flames and have fun because WE WERE WALKING ON THE FREEWAY@!!! but then finally they let us move and we got to drive THROUGH ACTUAL FLAMES AND FIRE!!! AND SMOKE!!! AND AIRCRAFT!! IT WAS LIKE DAY after tomorrow or Armageddon but for REALS and i took pcitrures of it and video but it was through the car windo wcuz the smoke was too much. and i didnt want to die of asphicxiation and crap.

yeah, so myhneice's boyfriend who is 18 thinks i'm hot how scary is that?

Blog sound track

2005-08-09T14:50:00.000-05:00

I nominate this album as the soundtrack for this blog.

2005-07-13T08:38:00.000-05:00

Happy Hour was fun. I got tanked. I stumbled. I peed all over the floor.

That's 3/3 right.

BTW, the waitress was terrible. I should have grabbed her rack. Maybe that would have made service better... or made them kick me out. Either way; win/win!!

it's official!!!!!!

2005-06-21T20:33:00.000-05:00

we can now actually START the party

that's right
he is done using my boobs for lunch

so......
I CAN DRINK!!!!

of course....i am far too damn tired to actually do so
but i don't think that counts
does it?

Not drunk, but....

2005-06-06T20:33:00.000-05:00

I heard this blog needed a new post so I chimed in. What the heck is going on y'all? Can I get a hells yeah? Come on party people! Let's get this party started.

2005-05-17T14:18:00.000-05:00

2005-05-13T23:14:00.000-05:00

No. I'm not drunk.
But.
I should be.
Severely.
Flatpassedthefuckoutunderthetable drunk.

After the week I've had.
But I won't bring you down with all the blood and gore.

Instead...

I will do a strip tease for you...
*starts strip tease like music*

*passes out cold from exhaustion*

Sorry, maybe next time. ;)

And It's Not Even Noon Yet

2005-05-09T11:17:00.000-05:00

My Monday is shaping up to be something I'll have to drink to forget about.

I've been working on another fluff project for The Giant Leprechaun (though not as fluffy as the project that required me to order 200 donuts and hold a 20 minute conversation with the bakery at Heinen's about the preservative qualities of glaze). Except I haven't been able to actually WORK on the damn thing, since people won't stop calling me and bugging me with their stupid problems. Every time somebody sends me something else to do, I have to stop where I am in the project, assess the new workflow, determine that it's crap and thus not any more important than Fluffy Project du Jour, and then try to pick back up in the project. Then I get to work on the project for about 5 more minutes before somebody ELSE bugs me with MORE stupid crap. Then I got an effin' paper cut trying to open the mail quickly so I could get back to Fluffy Project du Jour. That was totally fun. Oh, and what's all this about how I can't even go to the bathroom without there being voicemail for me when I come back? That's not funny, people. Cut it out.

The following is an actual conversation I had with somebody regarding personal "calling cards" for our conference calling provider:

Me: I remember that all the secretaries were supposed to get those packets too, and I never got one.
Her: I can't understand why the secretaries would need them.
Me: I don't know either, I just remember that we were all supposed to get one but I never did.
Her: But I don't know why we would actually need them. There's no reason for us to have them.
Me: Well, I know, but I know we were all supposed to have them.
Her: It doesn't make sense, though. Why would we get them?
Me: SoAndSo has one.
Her: ::pause:: Well it can't be for her, it must be her attorney's.
Me: Nope, it's got her name on it. It's at my desk right now, she's letting me borrow it to set up this conference call.
Her: Are you sure it's not HerAttorney's?
Me: I KNOW HOW TO SPELL SOANDSO!

PLEASE tell me you are not that dumb. If you are that dumb, you must leave this blog now and never return. This blog will not put up with stupidity from people without proper monetary compensation, or at least an anorexic supermodel's weight in chocolate.

No wonder I have a frigging headache.

-K.

2005-05-06T08:42:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I wonder a lot what other peoples little pervy turn ons are. I KNOW everybody has them. For example, [this isnt exactly a fetish] but one girl said she dangled her bloody tampon over her BF and he was completely freaked out by it. She laughed every time she recounted that story.

Spill it people!

Fun with PMS!

2005-04-26T08:13:00.000-05:00

Some days, I feel barely human. Yesterday was one of them. I felt fat, icky, ugly, bloated, completely less than human, and all I wanted to do was go and hide. I no longer felt fit to be a member of society, let alone show my face in public. My mother, who has never had PMS in her ENTIRE life, asked me why I was so hard on myself. Other than wanting to strangle her for never having had PMS, I really had no answer.

I also had The Zit From Hell...also known as the Doublezit Twins. Yes, this uberblemish was really two inflamed pores in one! Double your pleasure, double your fun! I named it Phil. This thing was like a lunar landing module on my chin, guys. I mean, it was HUGE. It was my own personal flotation device. I've seen tumors smaller than this thing. His Royal Hotness started calling it my "appendage."

Phil and I were not amused.

-K.

Super Fuck Retard

2005-04-16T11:30:00.000-05:00

Taken off my own blog because of head hanging in drunken shame.

i do feel this belongs here...where it deserves to be heard in the Yur Drunk context.

One Plus One Is Drunk

2005-04-07T22:08:00.000-05:00

i can say with much certainity that i am drunk right now. on the drunk scale however, i am very low on. see how that last sentence made not enough sense as does this one does? i can write better, really i can, but i am not trying now. blogger is fuckin with me and it pokes me with a stick and runs away and i chase it but i cant catch it like on a playground in fifth grade when marty e. says he doesn't like me even though i steal his goody comb.

why is comb spelt with a b at the end anyway?

why is cough spelled cough and not coff?

what is my drink of choice you ask? it is wine. whine. whyne? i haven't dranken wine since Saturday. Saturday i dranken a lot of wine and gin. i could've also dranken sangria but i opted not too. Saturday night i got buzzed and almost drunk maybe.

do you want to know something? well. i know you do. so i will tell you. i don't know. i'm sorry. i really havenothing to say tell you. oh! i know something i can tell you. i want to tell you that if i was a very slutty acting type of person who didn't believe in the vows of marriage who had NO BODY ISSUES WHATSOEVER I would drive to a bar, go over to a group of really cute guys and drink and have fun with them and then ask them if they wouldlike to take me home and fuck the shit out of me. I would first make them all line up over me and i would suck them off and jack them off and then just let them take over and treat me like a little slut because i would be one.

it would be super fun!!

but too bad i'm not and i'll just have one penis for the rest of my life unless hubby agrees to a threesome or we end up in a sex club or drunk with a guy friend and he says go for it. yeah, but otherwise...prolly not hapnin

excuse me now while i go eat creamy peanut butter off a plastic spoon

...And You Will Know Us By The Trail Of...

2005-04-06T14:44:00.000-05:00

...empty bottles.

best laid plans

2005-04-01T23:34:00.000-05:00

I was gonna go out and get stuff to make lasagna for the week. Instead I stayed home and drank beer, watched TV, smoked about fifteen bong hits, and last but not least pleasured myself watching some porn.

I did get some productive things done today. In effort to balance out that productivity some debauchery was called for.

Now I'm buzzing with no coffee mate for the morning.

damn.

Bum Cheese

2005-03-25T20:03:00.000-05:00

It's cheese. And it's a chalet. And it's named after your BUM.

You can't go wrong with a place called Heini's!

-K.

Drunken Good Friday Thoughts

2005-03-25T19:39:00.001-05:00

Disclaimer...I have had exactly two Bass and am pretty well tanked. I am the ultimate lightweight. At least I'm a cheap date.

So I went to Good Friday Mass. Which, if you're Catholic, you know it's not really a Mass but the Passion Service. Whatever. You still get Communion, you still listen to a really long winded guy tell you about how to be good. Same gig. So I'm sitting in the pew and it's the part where the guy up front says "We pray for so and so and blah blah blah blah blah..." and the rest of us, not really caring much at this point, respond "Lord, hear our prayer."

So the guy up front says something to the extent of "We pray for the Jews, that they remain strong in their belief in God and remain strong in their covenant as God's chosen people."

And I'm all, wait a minute.

It's Good Friday.

And we just prayed for the Jews.

Now, I'm as touchy feely everybody's ok non denominational bullshit as the next guy, but isn't this a conflict of interest or something?

Isn't this the whole reason we're HERE?

-K.

Things With Holes.

2005-03-25T19:39:00.000-05:00

Tell me how bad I suck.

It's Friday night, I'm kid-free, the boyfriend is sick and not here. I purchased $5.00 worth of Miller Lite (which is really a six of longnecks), and have been consuming it all by my little self.

I'm watching Unwrapped, hosted by Double-Dare-licious Marc Summers. Tonight's subject is "things with holes". I feel dirty. Hold me.

PS I invited CoconutCain. She's also drinking and blogging. Whee!

Popping My Cherry

2005-03-15T22:41:00.000-05:00

Hello
Yur Drunk

This is my first post on this blog.

I was invited here by Mr. Dobbs.

So I hope I won’t dissapoint.

I am not sure to what degree of drunk you must be to post here.

Does being buzzed count?

Does wanting to be drunk count?

Do we leave in all typos or backspace and correct them?

I think I will be a good drunken contributor for the following reasons:

1. I am really good at getting drunk and at being drunk.
2. I am a really great drunk person when I am drunk
3. I kiss girls and touch their boobies when I’m drunk
4. Sometimes I do the same thing to boys but replace boobies with crotches.
5. I say lots of really stupid things that I will regret in the morning.

I hope you will enjoy.

Thank you…

(p.s...yes i'm drunk right now..just because i wasn't sure and wanted to be sure i followed the rules, etc. etc. etcetera... danny kaye is the shit)

Dinner into drunk

2005-03-15T00:08:00.000-05:00

Miraculously my sinus infection haz faded. I felt so good I, worked out tonight and decided to go out to dinner. I know a place that makes fine steak/potato pie for dinner, it is so good that it makes my colon twitch. I went there and the fifty taps of dank, dark 10-15% proof beer got in the way. So I beat a couple beers back to wash down the pie. I was still thirsty from my earlier work out, so I had another and then as if on cue Satan sent in a hot young lady to stand next to me at the bar. She had red hair and a tight body. She talked to me about her recent self-discovery about her family about her history. We introduced one another at the same time, strange. Her body and hands a language of thier own, the way they played with her hair, and batted her eyes, as her hands ran over her contures, told me a story of, "If your nice to me and make me laugh we could probably have sex." Her giggle and laugh her closeness and scent open conversation was leading... to me laughing at tempation and going home with a smile.

Druuuuuuuuunk.

2005-03-10T22:45:00.000-05:00

Just checking in. Since I'm drunk. Very drunk. Off one drink. ONE DRINK.

Ciao bellas.

I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by

2005-03-10T04:20:00.000-05:00

Thought for the Day:
Beliefs are what divide people. Doubt unites them.
Peter Ustinov English actor & author (1921 - 2004)

On starting a New Religion:
Since I get an average of three marriage propositions a week, I have decided to start a new religion, complete with secret hand shakes, robes, smells and bells, Hell, I already have the church bus.

I am planning on basing it on Roman Catholicism and Mormonism and a few other books I have been reading.

This is done for several reasons, first I look damn good in black and second because it would allow me to have many wifes. A working proto-type name would be Mormo-lics. I have always wanted to lead my own cult…and yes you can shave your pits if you must. My God is an accepting God. And best of all its tax deductable.

Some things I from a few books that Have me Thinking:
I woke this morning with two lines that I had read in the past few weeks working around in the dark recesses of my mind, as I remember them they are:

“I learned to not look at my life through the prism of the life my father lead”

and…

When Karl Marx was on his death bed he is reported to have said “I was busy listening to the cries from the past, when I should have been listening to the cries from the future”

Don’t know what to do with those to bits yet, but I am sure they are stuck there for a reason.

Your Words for the Day:
Mabuti: Filipino origins- Tagalog word for "good".
Example: Pinay 1: Kamusta? (Greeting, like "Hi how are you?") Pinay 2: Mabuti! (Good - as in I'm doing well)

Gansta Grip: Something that "gangsters" do by holding a handgun sideways, holding a handgun sideways will not only lower the accuracy to a minimum, it is also easy to disarm the ignorant fool that was holding it sideways.
Example: Cop: I’m glad “gangsters” don’t know how to use firearms

Gandu: Hindi word for asshole. Also used to describe someone stupid and incredibly dim witted. Sometimes also used when a person is unhelpful or stingy or just plain anal. Despite certain claims, the word gandu has no connection with homosexuality. A gandu is not a homosexual man, no more than an asshole is a homosexual man. It stems from the word "Gand", pronounced "gaa-nd" which is a crude word for someone's ass. A very popular Indian curse word.
Example: "I'm not surprised he fucked up, he is a gandu!" or "He's not going to help, he's a real gandu"

I hope you enjoyed your multi-cultural words for the day, remember boys and girls to uses each one at least three times today. A yes, this will be on the test.

Your Bill for the Day:

SONNET 16
But wherefore do not you a mightier way
Make war upon this bloody tyrant, Time?
And fortify yourself in your decay
With means more blessed than my barren rhyme?
Now stand you on the top of happy hours,
And many maiden gardens yet unset
With virtuous wish would bear your living flowers,
Much liker than your painted counterfeit:
So should the lines of life that life repair,
Which this, Time's pencil, or my pupil pen,
Neither in inward worth nor outward fair,
Can make you live yourself in eyes of men.
To give away yourself keeps yourself still,
And you must live, drawn by your own sweet skill.

Quote of the Day:
To err is human. (Errare Humanum Est)
Melchior De Polignac

Spiting in the wind and pulling the Mask off the old Lone Ranger, I remain:

JQP DDS

I'm drunk and smell like a stripper

2005-03-09T23:23:00.000-05:00

I was stripping the tile floor in the kitchen tonight and I had an Idea. As soon as I reached a good stopping point I put on my jacket an headed to the strip club. I go to the gentleman's ballet about once a year. I had a good time. Te strippers made me feel like they wanted to touch me; they kissed my neck, smiled at me and ran thier fingers through my hair. It gave me chills when they did that. Before I left I paid for the three on one lap dance. Well worth the 20 bucks. I drank a bunch of hieniekens and ate a pot brownie for dessert. I smell like a stripper, and my house smells like floor stripper. I would like to smell a stripper on my floor. That is all, I'm going to masterbate.

My dearest drunkards.

2005-02-20T11:22:00.000-05:00

If ever your travels lead you to Olive Garden, may I suggest the Peach Bellini? Had one last night, and had to go to the mall for an hour to sober up enough to drive home.

My review of it is that it's a tasty little foo-foo drink, but packs quite the mean punch. It's also quite helpful when your waiter makes it a double.

Cheers!

The Defense of Liberty

2005-02-14T16:44:00.000-05:00

I'm reading Sigmund Freud's "Civilisation and Its Discontents" and in this he states that, "individual liberty is not an asset of civilisation" since civilisation (and i think it's fair to say democracy, which is the eventual political state in any advanced society) denies individual freedom in favour of the protection of the status quo. In an anarchistic society, the individual promotes their own freedom through "brute force", but in a civilised society a large enough consensus has the power to defend itself against that force so that no one person has success at the expense of another.

This leads to a life of averages.

I have finished two bottles of wine.

Hyped up

2005-02-11T11:58:00.000-05:00

....on vitamins. Yep - I feel like I am about 2 sheets to the wind right now, not quite 3 sheets...

Does that count?

Woo Hoo! Let's Party!!!

90% chance of drunkness forecasted for tonight !!

2005-01-28T17:33:00.000-05:00

Oh yeah !!!

This light wieght is goin' out to get his swerve on for happy hour watch out !!!

hope the weather is as good where you are.

2005-01-24T10:26:00.000-05:00

guess which one is murphy...

www.shamings.com

a two month long bender

2005-01-13T11:04:00.000-05:00

that's where I've been... honest.

today, I'm not drunk.

but, I'm on four different precriptions for bronchitis. I'm beginning to hallucinate.

and we all know that's way better than being drunk, right?

Woo Hoo!

2005-01-11T13:27:00.000-05:00

I just lost 3 lbs...I will celebrate by drinking that much in beer and wine tonight!

Yes, good plan...

But wait...which is it...

Beer then wine, always fine...
or Wine then beer, never...no, don't know that one...

OH!
Liquor then beer, never fear...
Beer then liquor, never sicker...

But, what about wine and beer...can you mix?

2005-01-10T16:05:00.000-05:00

i.

am not drunk right now.

but i wish i was.

Extra! Extra! Read all about it!

2005-01-04T09:37:00.000-05:00

"Modern Drunkard" Magazine Touts Alcoholism

New York City Cops Ain't Too Smart

2005-01-02T17:42:00.000-05:00

This is the place where you forget
too late I remembered that this is
the place where you forget the past
but I don't want to forget mistakes
I've made with you without you even
though sometimes they make me cry
because whatever doesn't kill you
makes you stronger or at least makes
you think a little more before you
jump in, both feet first

you dumbass

Happy New Year!!

2005-01-01T23:47:00.000-05:00

I got totally tanked last night.
It fuckin rawked my socks.
I made out with some seriously hot guy at the stroke of midnight, and danced with him the majority of the night.
He smelled so good.
Damn.
Damn good kisser, too.
I'm beginning to think I should have got some of that...

2004-12-28T08:51:00.000-05:00

is it too late to go house to house and sing carols to people (after peeing in their bushes)?

i'll be druuunk for christmas
you can count on meeee
i'll have me a hoe
underneath the mistletoe
and have a drink or three

Draw!

2004-12-24T15:18:00.000-05:00

I'm way more loaded than you. Admit it, or I'll start flashing you again. Unless you like that in which case I'll start putting on more clothes.

2004-12-22T01:04:00.000-05:00

I'm a little bit drunk but mostly tired.

I wish megan wouldn't get so drunk. she's so difficult to be around when she can't stand.

I should go to bed.
but i'll probably have a glass of wine and watch dumb ass tv till my eyes tear.

2004-12-21T14:32:00.000-05:00

One For The Ladies

2004-12-20T15:09:00.000-05:00

or "I am Murphy's slut" or etc.

2004-12-20T09:33:00.000-05:00

Well it seems I missed Girls Nite Out.
Here is a picture of Raw Lemonade and Sprizee having a drink;

I think Kelwhy was passed out somewhere and Kat was so ripped she was chattin up a cute boy she didn't realize was a statue of David.

I Was In Your Mattress Back In 1952

2004-12-18T18:23:00.000-05:00

Quite accurately it seems I'm hardcore. I can't really describe the extent to which I want to puke or the number of times I had to rewrite this post because quite frankly, friends and neighbours, I am drunk. Damn drunk.

And I touched another man's nipples today. Please don't judge me. It says so in the banner. Banners haunt my dreams.

The day that I meet you, and it is coming soon, don't be afraid to ask to see me naked, because I will oblige like a son of a bitch.

You Want To Go Forever

2004-12-12T19:01:00.000-05:00

Slim little elves begat truncated half breed children that chew the cords of the clothes you fashioned from dusty rocket ends that were unused in the war against your second date fiasco.

Unfortunately all ties were lost with the battalion that brought back the intelligence. You have only these diagrams to go on.

What?

2004-12-12T08:44:00.000-05:00

Is nobody drinking this weekend? Well....alrighty then. I'll start today off with a bloody mary to get things rolling. A nice spicy hot mary, Skyy vodka and the glass rimmed with celery salt and cayenne. Mmmm. Anyone wanna play? C'mon now, ante up!

2004-12-08T10:35:00.000-05:00

somebody have a drink for me!
i went to the dr's and everything looks great
i even got to hear a heartbeat.

very cool
and a bit strange....there isn't usually a persons heartbeat in my belly.

anyway...
who's drinkin' for me?

2 glasses of red wine...

2004-12-07T20:51:00.000-05:00

I know that really doesn't constitute a drunk...but I am pleasantly buzzed! That should count for something right? right! Hope y'all are having a great night too! Lovers y'all!

What Else Could I Say? Everyone Is Gay

2004-12-06T16:25:00.000-05:00

I'm at it again. Blind tankin drunk and everything. I'm the guy you invite to the party because he seems funny then you regret it because I take off my clothes and pee in the potted plants. It's a matter of when not if.

My Name is Murph

2004-12-06T09:05:00.000-05:00

And the last time I committed an act of drunk n' dialness was Saturday night, from my bedroom, at 2 am.

I called an old friend from Cleveland. He was wasted. I'm pretty sure he doesn't remember. Which is spectacular, because neither do i.

YAY!!

2004-12-05T22:58:00.000-05:00

I got shitfaced last night.
It was great.
Although, I wasn't planning on getting as hammered as I did.
Hadn't been that fucked up in a while.
Good times. Good times.
I'm sure there will be pictures to follow. :p

How Do You Own Disorder?

2004-12-05T15:17:00.000-05:00

I do lots of things better when I'm drunk, I write better, I play pool better, I fuck better, I think better, I move better (only because I'm so clumsy sober), I play guitar better, I rant better, I swear better, and I'm a happy drunk, so I live better.

Of course, this may all be an delusion brought on by drunkeness.

Drunk in public !

2004-12-04T13:55:00.000-05:00

This Bitch is drunk enough for all of us !

Assistance on Aisle 8

2004-12-02T18:19:00.000-05:00

So what in the hell do all of you drunks drink when you're sick? Like I've had this nasty head cold for a few days now and I haven't had a drop of alcohol since Sunday. Okay well, I go to have some wine last night and it tasted oh-so-nasty in my sickly mouth. Maybe it just went bad since the box has been in my fridge a week now and I've never held a box over that long.

I need suggestions, I need them pronto.

Hungover thoughts of a Private Man

2004-12-02T16:20:00.000-05:00

Quote for the Day:
Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
Oscar Wilde, In Life of Oscar Wilde, H. Pearson
Irish dramatist, novelist, & poet (1854 - 1900)

On Drunk Thought:
Every now and then I am surprised by the thoughts my friends and I come up with when we are drunk. Last night three of us spent 4 hours and numerous shots, to develop a business plan that involved raising captive bats for their milk.

Middle age sucks, I kind of long for they days when all we wanted to do was get drunk and pick up the easy girls at the local roadhouses.

Pet Peeve:
Ok, my office just happens to be across the street from my favorite bar, so what’s the problem you may ask? Well, dear friend…some mornings walking form my assigned parking place to the building is like navigating a mine field.

What ever happened to the old days when if you had to toss, you went someplace like a dieing animal and did it where no one could see you, and if asked about your disappearance you could say “no man, I wasn’t throwing up, I was just pissing”. …damn, I hate starting my morning by stepping into some one else’s puke.

I remain,

JQP esq.

2004-11-27T23:00:00.000-05:00

Hello all you lovely drunkards!

:D

The Art of Self Destruction

2004-11-27T18:50:00.000-05:00

So far today I've had:

3 Starbucks coffees (when will I stop drinking this vile piss?)
1 Red Bull (makes me talk shit for about an hour)
1 pint Japanese imported beer
1 pint unidentified beer
1 cup Max strength Lemsip

and I have a headache like a needle piercing my brain.

Ouch.

2004-11-26T10:26:00.000-05:00

I have a turkey hangover.

At least MY turkey was one hell of a hot babe.

eat, drink and be merry

2004-11-24T22:54:00.000-05:00

well, it' official. I'm a homeowner. we closed on our very first house this afternoon.
then, of course, proceeded to get celebratorily drunk.
and by this time tomorrow, my husband and parents and I will be three sheets to the wind and pull of pumpkin pie.

happy thanksgiving
gobble gobble

I like to relax after work.

2004-11-23T19:06:00.000-05:00

I've been slowly working my way through this monster bud. I'm about as stoned as a man can be. You could blind me with a piece of dental floss.

2004-11-22T16:38:00.000-05:00

crisis!

go to sprizee.blogspot.com
check out 13 November 2004

Yes, that is our little sprizer getting toasted...

at Starbucks.

I'm speechless.

2004-11-22T13:37:00.000-05:00

its only 138 but i could use a good drink.

murphy im sure is trying to navigate the mall food court. little aware is she that megan has left yet another surprise in her food bag.

muhahaha :P

Its been a bad weekend

2004-11-21T18:05:00.000-05:00

I need a very big stiff drink...
btw anybody want to buy a boat with a crippled outdrive..

You're Beautiful You Bastard

2004-11-21T18:04:00.000-05:00

It’s SUnday night, my Friday night, I’m listening to Nick Cave, I’m finishing the chianti and I don’t care, except for you, I always care for you

2004-11-21T02:48:00.000-05:00

DDDDDDDDDddruuuunnnnnk.

2004-11-19T13:05:00.000-05:00

worker bees can leave
even drones can fly away
the queen is their slave

The Company likes me drunk

2004-11-18T23:29:00.000-05:00

Today was another instance in a monthly ritual where my company treats ourselves to beer and snacks. So that means as usual I had to induldge. It sure does make my co-workers more intriguing. I think my productivity actually peaks because I swear I can type like 100 words/minute with a little alcohol in the bloodstream.

Contrary to popular belief, Sprizee, I wasn't wasted. I just had an adequate buzz. Although I just now got sober enough to type and that's why this post is so late in the evening. It's rather fun to IM with friends while adequately buzzed. There's drunk dialing and now there's drunk pinging. It's rather amusing for no one however and could lead to CLMs if you're not careful, Career Limiting Moves.

Woohoo, thanks Sprizee for indulging me this afternoon. The trenchcoated Sprint man is putting his duds back on and walking out the door now. He says hello by the way!

hello.

2004-11-18T16:00:00.000-05:00

again... i'm not drunk. but i feel like i am.

Pre-emptive strike...

2004-11-18T14:34:00.000-05:00

No, not drunk right now. Just planning on it, planning for it. 2 Drunks coming up here...first, there will be tonight - I just need to drink tonight and that is all there is to it. Second, Saturday is my little girls 4th bday party (no, I won't be getting drunk for that!) I'll be getting drunk after that! After the party we will be watching the Alabama/Auburn Iron Bowl with some friends and getting DRUNK! That should call for a very nice drunk post! Just wanted to give you all a heads up! Hope you all have some good drunks coming up too!

An Auditor's Dream Equation.

2004-11-17T23:07:00.000-05:00

Two Frappucinos + one piece of marble cake + one serving of Ramen noodles (beef flavor) + two beers = Good Night, Martini.

* hiccup *

dayquil addict

2004-11-16T13:51:00.000-05:00

I'm not drunk, but I'm heavily medicated.
and that's almost as good.
except for the "feeling like shit" part.
anyone coming to texas with soup?

I'm not drunk.

2004-11-16T11:07:00.000-05:00

Right now. But Megan, my roommie, was last night. Very drunk in fact. So drunk,... that she is now at home sleeping.

I would have told her to post but that would entail telling her about my crazy alter-ego, Murphy, and I don't want her to know that I complain about her on air.

That might hurt her feelings.

In other news, i have just finished my sixth 90 calorie kellog breakfast bar and remain unsatisfied.

Saturday Evening Post on Monday

2004-11-15T22:33:00.000-05:00

I got lit up like a Christmas tree on Saturday night.
It was great.

Gave some strange guy a mad wood on the dance floor and felt so powerful the rest of the evening. It was fuckin great. :D

See, you just have to get there before 8, no cover, AND 2 for 1 until 9.
So you see, I was drunk before 9:30. Fanfreakintastic!

My night rawked.
Even though my bed didn't. :p

honorary drunk status

2004-11-15T15:39:00.000-05:00

it is here by declared that when i do something completely insane and ridiculous
we will just say the baby was drunk
no...that sounds bad...try....
i was drunk on.......
uhhhhhhuuuuuummmm......
decaf hot tea?
anyway
my crying over my toast....qualifies.
you decide what to call it.

2004-11-15T10:01:00.000-05:00

1000 am.

I am so not in a mood to do anything work related.

Its one of those need-to-sit-down-with-murphy slash hide-in-her-cube-and-rant slash gab-about-gossip kind of mondays.

Shoot me now.

sigh

2004-11-15T09:36:00.000-05:00

dear lord... it's 8:36am and I'm so not drunk.
I wish I were.
the best I can do is a serious coffee buzz.
but, we're out of coffeemate....
and I'm totally blaming murphy.

How could this be possible?

2004-11-14T19:55:00.000-05:00

I have three beers in my fridge. Just three. F-ing D drank one at 5 in the morning the other day, so I'm left with only three (instead of four).

I'm proceeding to consume the leftover beer, just to spite him, as we speak.

Bottoms up, y'all.

Nuttin' better....

2004-11-14T16:31:00.000-05:00

Than a Sunday afternoon drunk, watchingfootballl..... Hell - I don't even know what game I'm watching anymore! Go Team! Yeah, something...whatever. I love Sundays, I love beer on Sundays - that ROCKS! Lovers y'all!

nothing.

2004-11-14T04:12:00.000-05:00

or mayb e something.

i'm drunk.
and tired.
stacey is sleeping.

sweet dreams,
katherine.

Rocket to Russia

2004-11-13T14:30:00.000-05:00

Yes that's right kids, tonite it's the Argentinian Malbec reserve.

I'm so cultured it's obscene.